someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
