You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
