The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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