he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
