I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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