i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
