my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
