The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
did i just pee glitter
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
