he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
