just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
