We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
it was like eating out sand paper
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
