i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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