so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
