if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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