watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
