upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
