Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
