oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
