She went from zero to smokin in five shots
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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