In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
