dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sext me about skeletons
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
