yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
