Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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