when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
