I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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