Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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