Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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