So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
