I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
