I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Princesses don't give blow jobs
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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