Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
