Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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