Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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