he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
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