My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
