whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
