Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
