That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This can only be settled by a dance off.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
