I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
