1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We are two peas in an std pod
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
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He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
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Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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