I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
