remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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