apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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