I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
