Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
