doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
