I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
