Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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