I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
