we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
