good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
