It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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