Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
