so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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