hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
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Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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