Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
