Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize