I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
