I just cut my nipple shaving
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
