When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
